Up Close & Personal

I've had a few people ask me recently whether I'm happy with my decision to leave grad school. My answer is unequivocally yes. But that doesn't mean it's the right decision for everyone. Last week, a blog reader mentioned that she was going through a similar experience and asked to hear more about "my story", so I figured I would get a little personal and share an update on my life - as the only time I've ever really talked about my decision on the blog was when it first happened (and briefly on my 'about' page).

When people find out I left grad school 3 years into a 5-year PhD, the reaction I get most often is complete confusion. I often hear "but it's only 2 more years!" (which is sooo helpful < sarcasm font) - two years is a reallylong time to do something you don't enjoy. Especially when that something is crazy labour-intensive and stressful. I know that I don't want the job that this degree would net me (it's a pretty specific degree), so why would I want to put myself through something so stressful if the end result isn't something I want? I understand that for some people, having a PhD or being able to stick a Dr. before your name would be a good enough reason to finish up. But it isn't enough for me. It was enough to convince me to stay in my program longer than I should have - but not enough to keep me there. I mean, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow (knock on wood). You never know what's going to happen. Why waste any more time being unhappy?

I think an important distinction to make is that just because you can do something, it doesn't mean you have to do it. Yes, I could do the job I was being trained to do. But I didn't enjoy it. Rewarding feelings were relatively infrequent and I didn't enjoy the work I had to do to get there. There's a difference between skill and happiness. Just because you're good at something doesn't mean you'll enjoy doing it. Not everyone is able to grasp the reality of doing something you don't enjoy day-in and day-out - I certainly didn't when I embarked on that grad school journey. In the abstract, a lot of people seem to think that having "a good job" that "pays well" is enough (both are comments I heard from people who knew very little about me or my situation - i.e., from relative strangers). And sure, for someone else, it might be. Someone with a kid or a mortgage. But I don't have either of those things. And these were comments from people who had no idea what it was like to do the job I was training to do. People who didn't seem to understand the reality of doing something so labour-intensive that you find to be simultaneously boring and stressful. How much job security or income is your unhappiness worth?

So how did I get this far? That's pretty easy. I never stopped to look up. I never looked further ahead than the next hurdle (of which there were A LOT), so I never really stopped to consider whether this path was really worth it to me. I was constantly going through the motions, totally ambivalent about what I was doing. I focused exclusively on the external rewards (a grade, positive feedback from a supervisor, finishing the semester) and found very little of the actual work to be intrinsically rewarding (i.e., rewarding for its own sake - because you enjoy it). Imagining a lifetime full of that ambivalence made me sick to my stomach.

(Please note that I'm not disparaging my field of study. It's an important area and an amazing career for certain people - I'm just not one of them.)

It definitely wouldn't be the same experience for everyone. For me, I had a clear alternative - something else I wanted to pursue. So many times, I said to friends in passing "In another life, I'd totally pursue interior design" but never really stopped to take it seriously. Then, last summer, I just couldn't turn a blind eye any longer. Things were getting crazy stressful, one thing was piling on top of another, and I finally just stopped. I asked myself for the first time pretty much ever, "what the hell am I doing?" The second I let myself consider an alternative to pursuing this career, my decision was already made. It's like I knew, subconsciously, that this wasn't the right life for me. I had been pushing that thought to the back of my mind over and over again, and finally, it found a crack and came crashing through. That's not to say that I made the decision rashly. I spent almost a month discussing my decision with my family and close friends and looking into alternatives before I made any official moves. I had many an emotional meltdown (THANK YOU to my friends and family reading this - you really had to work for it last summer, and I could never express just how grateful I am for all of you) but no matter how emotional I got, I always came back to the same decision. Leaving was right. Leaving was scary - but it was right. My best friend made the point that it was probably scariest because I was choosing to leave. I was bringing all this fear and uncertainty on myself. I think she was absolutely right. And although I think it was probably one of the bravest things I've done, it was without a doubt, the most terrifying.

I can't even fully express just how HAPPY I am now. I'd forgotten what it was like to actually enjoy the majority of my day. I haven't felt this "right" or this much like myself in a long time. I'm working now, in a field related to my degree (but not in the job I was in grad school for) - which allows me to make some money and pay my bills - but doesn't take over my entire life. It's giving me a bit of a financial cushion, so that I can gradually build up my own business on the side. I'm able to go home and shut it off. Focus on the blog. Focus on building my design business. Focus on my personal life. And that matters to me SO much. I'm able to work on living a fuller life; a life that feels right for me.

So that's my story. I did something a little bit crazy. But so totally right for me.

If you're going through something similar, feel free to shoot me an email (that little envelope button in the top right corner); I'd be happy to chat with you, if you think it might be helpful.

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